Saturday, July 31, 2010

How to Become a Eunuch

Eunuchs are castrated men. Or P1 Wimax users who sudah potong-ed.

Disturbingly, the practice of castrating men is quite common throughout history & can be found in many ancient societies...the Romans, Egyptians, Greeks, Indians & Chinese all did it.

The Chinese eunuchs however must be the most familiar to all. They are often portrayed as the evil sidekicks of concubines or empress in Hong Kong palace dramas.


eunuch 2


They seemed fairly insignificant, until one day my sis popped me this gem of a question..."Gor, when they castrate them right, do they remove everything or do they only chop off their wieners but leave their balls alone?"

I was stunned. That was one penis related question I couldn't answer.

But after a little bit of soul searching & 175 pages of 'Chinese Eunuchs, The Structure of Intimate Politics' later, I can proudly produce this step by step guide on how to become a eunuch, ancient Chinese style.

Note: The author does not advocate any form of genital self-mutilation & will not be held responsible for any detachment. This is suppose to be tongue in cheek, get it? Also, further reading may induce incessant crotch grabbing.


free kick


1. Firstly, bound your abdomen and upper thighs tightly with white strings or bandages to cut off blood supply to the 'area'.

2. Then, wash your soon-to-be-gone private parts 3 times using hot pepper water. You can choose to silently bid farewell while you are at it.

3. Lie down in a semi reclining position on a couch & ask your friends/family members/neighbours to hold on to your legs & waist. Firmly!

4. Hold a curved blade in your right hand & ask yourself out loud "Regret or no regret?". If you show even the slightest of doubts, ask your friends to grab the blade away from you. Rehearse this step a few times before proceeding...


potong


5. If you have no regrets, remove the penis & scrotum in 1 swift motion of the blade. Trust me, you wouldn't want to leave anything dangling.

6. Promptly insert a plug into your urethra once you have finish screaming.

7. Covered the wound with paper that had been soaked in cold water & carefully bound up. Ask for assistance if this proves to be too traumatic.

8. Walk gingerly around the room for 2 hours before lying down for some rest, you freaking deserved it!

9. Kindly refrain from eating or drinking for the next 3 days. After three presumably agonizing days, gently remove the plug from the urethra. Prior experience of using tampons would be helpful.

If urine gushed out of the hole, then congratulations, you have successfully become a eunuch. If not, then you will die a slow & painful death and everything you endure will be in vain.

Well, it seems downright insane to try and become a eunuch these days. But in ancient China, castration is often the only way to become rich and famous for the poor. Nowadays, you can achieved that just by leaking a sex tape.


admiral_zheng


Heck, even the great Laksamana Cheng Ho is a eunuch! Although he being a Muslim, I suspect he mix up the term 'circumcision' & 'castration' during his visit to the clinic ;)


4 comments:

  1. Haha, I like the "Potong" commercial! :)

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  2. Me too, Jacky. They were very cheeky & I was surprised it made it thru our censors

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  3. wonder how it actually feels =P

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  4. ken: I can only imagine extreme pain lol. Thanks for dropping by ;)

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