SALT (2010) Review

I never really get this whole Angelina Jolie - female action hero thing. Her past action movies like Tomb Raider, Mr & Mrs Smith, Wanted were all quite mediocre to be honest.

And now comes her latest one, Salt. The name itself is as gimmicky as her effort to collect enough babies to start a mini United Nations. But I went to see the movie anyway.

Hmm...am I indirectly contributing towards the movie's success & her getting more such roles? Maybe.

Anyway, the movie starts promisingly as we see the titular character Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie) stripped down to her undies & covered in blood in a North Korea prison, tortured for being an American spy. However, she was released when the governments of both countries cut a deal with each other.

We soon found out that Kim Jong Il was right (could he ever be wrong?) & she was indeed a spy working for the CIA. Fast forward to present day America, Salt was just about to leave her office, when a Russian FSB officer, Orlov came to defect.

She was leaving the office when work came knocking.

During interrogation, he revealed how the Soviet Union kidnapped babies, teach them English & make them watched reruns of Desperate Housewives in order to integrate them into American society. He also revealed that Evelyn Salt was one of those babies & is in fact a Russian spy!

From there all hell broke loose...Salt sensing danger escaped but not before we saw how she made a freaking RPG from some washing detergent, a table & a fire extinguisher. MacGuyver would be so proud of her.

Her disguise: Dying her hair black.

Rating: Slightly better than Superman's glasses.

After the initial action sequences, it became apparent that director Phillip Noyce has a shaky camera fetish as well. If this stupid trend persist any more longer, I would have to consider bringing my own reusable vomit bag to the cinemas.

The director manage to keep us guessing about the true identity of Salt even though the storyline itself isn't very engaging. Also, there is a big twist towards the end that almost made me screamed "INFERNAL FREAKING AFFAIRS!" but I won't spoil it for you guys of course ;)

Overall, this movie can offer some pretty solid brainless entertainment, you also get to see Jolie kicking butt & looking hot at the same time. But if you want something meatier, go watch Inception instead.

Also, the ending is open ended paving the way for a sequel like SALT 2: SALTIER perhaps or maybe a prequel, LESS SALT, LESS CALORIES?

How to Become a Eunuch

Eunuchs are castrated men. Or P1 Wimax users who sudah potong-ed.

Disturbingly, the practice of castrating men is quite common throughout history & can be found in many ancient societies...the Romans, Egyptians, Greeks, Indians & Chinese all did it.

The Chinese eunuchs however must be the most familiar to all. They are often portrayed as the evil sidekicks of concubines or empress in Hong Kong palace dramas.

They seemed fairly insignificant, until one day my sis popped me this gem of a question..."Gor, when they castrate them right, do they remove everything or do they only chop off their wieners but leave their balls alone?"

I was stunned. That was one penis related question I couldn't answer.

But after a little bit of soul searching & 175 pages of 'Chinese Eunuchs, The Structure of Intimate Politics' later, I can proudly produce this step by step guide on how to become a eunuch, ancient Chinese style.

Note: The author does not advocate any form of genital self-mutilation & will not be held responsible for any detachment. This is suppose to be tongue in cheek, get it? Also, further reading may induce incessant crotch grabbing.

1. Firstly, bound your abdomen and upper thighs tightly with white strings or bandages to cut off blood supply to the 'area'.

2. Then, wash your soon-to-be-gone private parts 3 times using hot pepper water. You can choose to silently bid farewell while you are at it.

3. Lie down in a semi reclining position on a couch & ask your friends/family members/neighbours to hold on to your legs & waist. Firmly!

4. Hold a curved blade in your right hand & ask yourself out loud "Regret or no regret?". If you show even the slightest of doubts, ask your friends to grab the blade away from you. Rehearse this step a few times before proceeding...

5. If you have no regrets, remove the penis & scrotum in 1 swift motion of the blade. Trust me, you wouldn't want to leave anything dangling.

6. Promptly insert a plug into your urethra once you have finish screaming.

7. Covered the wound with paper that had been soaked in cold water & carefully bound up. Ask for assistance if this proves to be too traumatic.

8. Walk gingerly around the room for 2 hours before lying down for some rest, you freaking deserved it!

9. Kindly refrain from eating or drinking for the next 3 days. After three presumably agonizing days, gently remove the plug from the urethra. Prior experience of using tampons would be helpful.

If urine gushed out of the hole, then congratulations, you have successfully become a eunuch. If not, then you will die a slow & painful death and everything you endure will be in vain.

Well, it seems downright insane to try and become a eunuch these days. But in ancient China, castration is often the only way to become rich and famous for the poor. Nowadays, you can achieved that just by leaking a sex tape.

Heck, even the great Laksamana Cheng Ho is a eunuch! Although he being a Muslim, I suspect he mix up the term 'circumcision' & 'castration' during his visit to the clinic ;)

Spookiest Places in Malaysia

Alright, for my 1st official blog post, I am going to make a list, not just any list mind you but one about some of the spookiest places in Malaysia.

With the Chinese Hungry Ghost Month just around the corner, there are no better ways to spend the upcoming festive season than by visiting some of these places.

First up is the Bukit Cina cemetery in Melaka.

Cemeteries are spooky, especially Chinese cemeteries where you can find the deceased staring back at you through eerie black & white photos on the headstones.

In Bukit Cina, we have the largest Chinese graveyard outside of China covering 26ha with 12,500 graves. This place is so ancient, you can find graves dating back to the late Ming dynasty!

During my last visit to Melaka, I went up the hill using the stairs beside the Sam Poh Kong temple. On top of the stairs, there were graveyards in various stages of disrepair, the wordings on some tombstones were completely gone. Broken tree branches & dead leaves littered the area.

Very spooky indeed...

Next up is Kellie's Castle in Batu Gajah, Perak.

This huge mansion was built by a Scotsman, William Kellie Smith shortly after the birth of his son in 1915. The construction of this building was seemingly doomed, many of the Indian labourers died after being infected by the 'Spanish Flu' in the early 1920's.

A Hindu temple had to be constructed nearby to appeased the gods before construction can be resumed. However, tragedy struck again when Kellie contracted pneumonia in Lisbon and died. His wife, Agnes later sold the property and left Malaya while the castle remain unfinished till this very day.

Like all good castles, this one is said to be haunted as well. It is said that Kellie never really left his mansion and can be seen wandering along this corridor at times.

In one of the rooms belonging to his daughter, Helen visitors reported seeing a little girl with curly hair & wearing a white blouse emerged for a few seconds before disappearing again.

The castle was also featured in the Hong Kong paranormal documentary, The Unbelievable (怪談) whereby the crew went to the place at night to investigate such supernatural occurrences by setting up night vision cameras around the building.

One of the cameras was found fallen when they returned, even though it was set up in a enclosed area with no breeze or wind. Upon playing back the tape, a ghostly apparition can be seen coming towards camera at high speed before knocking it over.

Lastly, we have Pudu Jail, which is being demolished as we speak.

Completed in 1895, the prison is the scene of many executions & inmates deaths due to fighting among prisoners. When the Japs took over during World War 2, it was used as a place to tortured & killed captured prisoners of war. The prison is widely believed to be haunted & must have been the Holy Grail for Malaysian ghost hunters.

Wardens who once worked there said it was common to hear footsteps or chains rattling at night even though there isn't anyone around. But the spookiest tale has got to be the recurring apparition of a woman believed to be hanged in the prison.

She had tried to kill herself unsuccessfully before by splitting her throat, but before she could fully recovered an order came for her execution to be carried out. Due to her injury, her head was torn off when she was hanged & her ghost was seen by many ever since.

Now that the area has been marked for redevelopment into 40% residential area & 60% commercial units (including hotels!), I guess the spirits will get new places to hang out...